Cabbit Tales: The Collected Works
by Patch Monkey
Summary: Previously published in 2000 by a group of bored poets and writers on the Fan Fiction Mailing List, this is the authoritative selection of poems and works related to cabbits. I have others which are being retrieved. This may be completed at some point.
1. If Cabbits Were Horses - Patch Monkey

If cabbits were horses, horses would be a lot smaller  
And they could fly by turning into large spaceships  
If cabbits were horses, there would be a lot less lettuce  
And a lot more carrots  
Warfare would probably be more difficult, because  
how can you fight such a cute thing?

If cabbits were horses, little children wouldn't ask for a rabbit or a cat.  
They would ask for a cabbit.  
We could fly through space in giant miaoing crystals  
Wouldn't that just be the swellest?  
If cabbits were horses, that's what we'd do

If cabbits were horses, maybe we'd have little girls  
With red eyes and blue hair and the merged souls of trees  
Maybe we'd have cyan-haired space pirates  
And angry princesses and little scientists  
Maybe that's how it would be if cabbits were horses

If cabbits were horses, there would have been a lot less  
Horseback riding in Old West shows  
Instead, maybe we would watch as cute little things  
With big floppy ears and a great appetitite for carrots  
Ran around.


	2. An Ode - Auer House

**An Ode**

_Author: Auer House_

I lay upon you, pondering your treasures,  
I watch as the warmth of the sun your bosom caresses.  
Hands with gentler care than I could give,  
prepare you for the bounteous gift.

The seed of life within you placed,  
nurtured by your wondrous grace.  
Seasons turn as is their wont,  
They watch your shape, change and grow.

The time has come, your labours done.  
I watch and wait with baited breathe,  
As gently he pulls forth your fruit,  
Oh wondrous joy, 7 pounds, 65 cm length.

Oh glorious earth, your harvest grand  
the greatest carrot seen in the land.  
I marvel at the work you've done.  
And wait upon another one.


	3. The Ballad of a Cabbit - Jay Kominek

**The Ballad Of A Cabbit**

**(Or, "If You Havn't Learned Anything Else From This,  
Learn That You Should Be Very Very Careful What You  
Mention")**

_Originally by Jay Kominek_

* * *

Once, in a carrot field, not too far or long ago  
There was a cabbit whose name was Ryo-ohki.  
It was a spaceship by trade, and it liked carrots.  
Carrots, such lovely things!

Carrots, such a divine vegetable.  
You make my eyes ache for your vitamin A.  
Why can I never consume my daily craving?  
Carrots for breakfast, brunch and dinner!

As Ryo-ohki wandered about the carrot field,  
Taking in all the lovely carrots,  
It realized, "Ohh my, I've no opposable thumbs!"  
Thumbs, thumbs, how I miss you so!

"How will I ever get the carrots?" moaned Ryo-ohki.  
A way to acquire carrots, must I find!  
For without carrots, I will surely die!  
Death (noun), a state caused by insufficient carrots.

Frantic, searching, the cabbit went this way and that.  
Hoping, praying for someone with thumbs.  
Empty here, empty there, no one with thumbs.  
Desolate had the world become.

Realization struck Ryo-ohki,  
Like a carrot to the head.  
Thumbs? Who needs them?  
Tractor-beam, you are my new best friend!

Quickly, with a leap and a meow,  
the cabbit was in the air and flipping.  
Soon a spaceship was there, soaring in the air.  
Carrots, you have met your match!

Carefully positioning itself over the  
carrot field, Ryo-ohki let fly with its  
tractor beam, full of sparkle and glimmer.  
Carrots, carrots, I have you now!

With a squeal and firing of the thrusters,  
Ryo-ohki was off! Too great of an idea was this,  
wasting it would be such a shame!  
Carrot fields everywhere, here comes the cabbit!


	4. Beta-Carotene - Auer House

**Beta-Carotene**

_By Auer House_

_Sung to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree"_

* * *

Beta-Carotene, Beta-Carotene,  
How wonderful a vitamin  
Beta-Carotene, Beta-Carotene,  
Carrots you make them glow,  
Beta-Carotene, Beta-Carotene,  
Carrot tops sway in the breeze,  
Faithful hand will pluck them forth,  
Beta-Carotene, Beta-Carotene,  
Your Carrots I am eating.

Tis not alone as summers fruit,  
Its root orange, leaves of green.  
It grows beneath the earth so long.  
And earth is covered with showy green.  
A Cabbit tells of carrots grand.  
Of Tenchi's work to harvest them.  
Of carrots piled up to the sky,  
Cabbits dreams are a go.


	5. I Want Carrot - Battl Ohki

**I Want Carrot**

_By Battl Ohki_

* * *

I know a carrot who's hard and orange  
It's so fine, It can't be beat  
Got everything that I desire  
Sets the summer sun on fire

I want Carrot, I want Carrot

Go to see It with the green hung down  
Ain't no finer carrots in town  
Carrots just what the doctor ordered  
It's so sweet, They makes my mouth water

I want Carrot, I want Carrot  
I want Carrot, I want Carrot  
I want Carrot, I want Carrot

Carrot on the plate, there's nothing better  
But I like Carrots when Tenchi gets them, better  
Some day soon I'll make them mine  
Then I'll have Carrots all the time

I want Carrots, I want Carrots


	6. Ryo-Ohki in Paradise - Patch Monkey

**Ryo-Ohki In Paradise**

_By Patch Monkey_

Tried to amend my herbivorous habits.  
Made it nearly twenty hours,  
Flyin' round without gas, eatin' Ryoko's food,  
Drinkin' lots of bovine juice and watchin' flowers...

But at dinner I had these splendid dreams,  
Some kind of sensuous treat.  
Not burgers, dwarven deurgars, or whole grain wheat,  
But those perfect carrots that just can't be beat!

Ryo-ohki in paradise,  
Heaven on Earth is a carrot slice  
Just no MSG, it'll always entice  
I'm just a Ryo-ohki in paradise.

I like mine with Tenchi or Sasami,  
Lil' Washu ain't bad but Ayeka scares me,  
Big batch of carrots for my dinnertime,  
Tsunami allmighty, which way do I steer,  
For my carrot patch in paradise

Heard about my old time memories,  
I'd eat just whenever I had the munchies,  
Warm beer I was fed, that scary lunkhead  
That stuff reminds me of the metal on Kagato's ship

But times have changed for cabbits these days,  
Down here on Earth I get what I need,  
Not just cuddlin' or fussin' or daiquiris,  
But that Earth-bound creation on which I feed!

Ryo-ohki in paradise,  
Heaven on Earth is a carrot slice  
Just no MSG, it'll always entice  
I'm just a Ryo-ohki in paradise.

I like mine with Tenchi or Sasami,  
Lil' Washu ain't bad but Ayeka scares me,  
Big batch of carrots for my dinnertime,  
Tsunami allmighty, which way do I steer,

For my carrot patch in paradise  
Makin' the best of every virtue and vice.  
Worth every damn bit of sacrifice  
To get a carrot patch in paradise;  
To be a Ryo-ohki in paradise,  
I'm just a Ryo-ohki in paradise!


End file.
